Besides having THE WORST ending, this is also my (Dane Cook ) "you look down and Skeletor is looking back up at you..." story. lol (Retaliation, Disc 2, Track 13. LMAO)
A few years back, I became acquainted with a guy who "floated" at work (although he had an office in my building, he wasn't always there - he provided assistance at several companies). We spoke probably three times before people started coming up to me and asking how long we'd been dating. I really couldn't have been less interested in the guy, and found it a little insulting that people would think he was my type. *ick* It became our running joke, and whenever we'd see each other, we'd make fake plans for our big dates and would laugh about the rumor mill. Well, I would laugh. In retrospect I kind of wonder if he started the rumor, and later I figured out our "fake date plans" were his attempt at hitting on me.
A few years back, I became acquainted with a guy who "floated" at work (although he had an office in my building, he wasn't always there - he provided assistance at several companies). We spoke probably three times before people started coming up to me and asking how long we'd been dating. I really couldn't have been less interested in the guy, and found it a little insulting that people would think he was my type. *ick* It became our running joke, and whenever we'd see each other, we'd make fake plans for our big dates and would laugh about the rumor mill. Well, I would laugh. In retrospect I kind of wonder if he started the rumor, and later I figured out our "fake date plans" were his attempt at hitting on me.
It had been several months since I'd actually gone on a real date with anyone, and was starting to feel like Janeane Garofalo in "The Truth About Cats and Dogs"... (One of my all time favorites - I know it's incredible cheesy and terribly acted, but I can't help it. lol)
Dr. Abby Barnes: If I was a guy, I think women would like, line up to go out with me. I'm smart. I have a good sense of humor. I make a great living.
Noelle: I'd f*** you.
Dr. Abby Barnes: Thank you, honey. I know you would.
Anyway, he came into my office one day, and mentioned coming over for dinner and to "watch a movie". Without thinking, I let "Okay" just pop out of my mouth... Thankfully no one else was around to hear it, and I hoped he would think I was kidding. "How's 7pm?" I wanted to say "I wasn't serious, fug-o.", but my brain hit pause and I blurted out okay again. He kept up the jokes, so I brushed it off once he'd left and went about my day.
I really feel the need to take a moment to clarify something.This guy could NOT have been less attractive. By any standards. He wasn't funny, and he certainly wasn't intelligent. Not tall, in good shape or charming. He was about as unattractive as Jesus Quintana aka "The Jesus" from The Big Lebowski, if not more so. (Before anyone lame enough to not be a fan of The Big Lebowski starts protesting, "The Jesus" is the name of the guy with the bowling ball and cocaine pinky nail. I'm not talking about "Bible Jesus".) Anyway, THAT's how long it had been for me.
Back to the situation at hand. At about 7:45, I get a knock on my door. I was in my pjs, and had completely forgotten about our "dinner plans". Regardless, Chester was standing there with an unopened bottle of Jack and a pizza. Classy.
I was genuinely surprised, but let him in anyway. We started watching a movie, (does anyone actually get to finish them?), and he leaned in for a kiss toward the middle. It was awful. Just terrible. Like open mouth kissing a slobbering dog. I pulled my face away and looked at his... and immediately started taking shots. Before you know it, we'd DTD and I wanted to go jump off a cliff.
I really feel the need to take a moment to clarify something.This guy could NOT have been less attractive. By any standards. He wasn't funny, and he certainly wasn't intelligent. Not tall, in good shape or charming. He was about as unattractive as Jesus Quintana aka "The Jesus" from The Big Lebowski, if not more so. (Before anyone lame enough to not be a fan of The Big Lebowski starts protesting, "The Jesus" is the name of the guy with the bowling ball and cocaine pinky nail. I'm not talking about "Bible Jesus".) Anyway, THAT's how long it had been for me.
Back to the situation at hand. At about 7:45, I get a knock on my door. I was in my pjs, and had completely forgotten about our "dinner plans". Regardless, Chester was standing there with an unopened bottle of Jack and a pizza. Classy.
I was genuinely surprised, but let him in anyway. We started watching a movie, (does anyone actually get to finish them?), and he leaned in for a kiss toward the middle. It was awful. Just terrible. Like open mouth kissing a slobbering dog. I pulled my face away and looked at his... and immediately started taking shots. Before you know it, we'd DTD and I wanted to go jump off a cliff.
This ridiculous cycle continued for about two weeks. He wasn't getting any cuter, my hangovers were becoming far too frequent, and I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror because I was simply too grossed out. WHAT HAD I BECOME?!?
At the two week mark, he pulled the Switch, and asked me to come over to his place. The entire way there I was thinking, 'What is wrong with you, you don't even like this guy! He's so icky. Just turn around..."
OKAY. I'll admit it. The sex was great. *shudder* Thinking about it now, I want to vomit. But I know at the time I was kind of surprised. (This is so embarrassing... I know it's what we created the site for, but I'm really mortified writing this.)
As I was getting ready to do the Walk of Shame the following morning....
At the two week mark, he pulled the Switch, and asked me to come over to his place. The entire way there I was thinking, 'What is wrong with you, you don't even like this guy! He's so icky. Just turn around..."
OKAY. I'll admit it. The sex was great. *shudder* Thinking about it now, I want to vomit. But I know at the time I was kind of surprised. (This is so embarrassing... I know it's what we created the site for, but I'm really mortified writing this.)
As I was getting ready to do the Walk of Shame the following morning....
January Jones, (Mad Men), the night before her Walk of Shame....
... a horrible thought popped into my head. What if he has a girlfriend? I'd seen his office in passing, and he didn't have any photos of anyone up, but that didn't mean anything. We hadn't really talked about much over the past two weeks (still embarrassed) and I hadn't thought to ask. I know what you're thinking, why the HELL not? Because I was young, and naive, and it never occurred to me that I would have to actually ask someone if they were in a relationship... I figured everyone was like me, and would 1. not pursue someone else no matter how "miserable" they were in the relationship, and 2. would openly speak of their significant other.
HA.
HA.
So as I was gathering my things, I said outright, "I'm not going to find out you have a serious girlfriend or something, right? lol" He didn't lol back. Instead he said casually, "What?" But when he looked at me, his face was immediately ridden with guilt.
I took a deep breath. "Please don't tell me you have a girlfriend."
He swallowed hard. "I...uh...Oh wow. This is awkward."
Me: "WTF, Chester." (Get used to this; it's how I write dialogue lol)
Chester: "Well...I thought you knew?"
Me: "WHY would you think I knew that? You think I would be sleeping with you if I knew you had a girlfriend?!? And you never said anything about her, so why the F*** would I know you had one? "
Chester: "I don't have a girlfriend."
Me: "You just told me you did."
Chester: "I didn't say that............ I'm.....married."
Me: "WHAT THE F***!?"
Chester: "Please don't be mad... it's complicated.....Um..."
Me: "What, are you going to tell me you're miserable and she's not paying any attention to you?"
Chester: "No... Um, she knows I don't want to be with her. She gave me permission to have sex with other women."
Me: "Bullsh**. You're so full of sh**. Do you think I seriously believe you?"
Chester: "Well, she and I haven't done it in awhile..."
Me: "I don't give a rat's ass. You're like, happily married aren't you? There aren't even any problems, are there? Not like that's an excuse, but it would be something...... Oh God. Do you have kids?"
Chester: "I have three kids..."
Me: "Oh my GOD... How old are they?" (shouting as I fling open the front door.)
Chester: "5 and 7..." (Following me out, dragging his feet)
Me: "Is this even your house? Who's house are we at? I can't believe this crap....... Wait. You said three... how old's the other one? IS IT A BABY?!? Please for the love of God say it isn't a baby..."
Chester: "This is my buddy's place - I'm staying with him right now."
Me: (glaring silently, trying my best not to lunge at him and beat the ever living sh** out of him)
Chester: "It's not a baby.... She's pregnant with the third..."
Me: "How far along is she?" (quieter, nauseated)
Chester: "She's due in 3 weeks."
Needless to say I proceeded to rip him a new one and tell him what a POS he was, and refused to speak to him or see him after that. I felt just awful, and wanted to rip his freaking face off every time I saw him at work. He was sleeping with a different girl within a week.
This story is similar to Mary's (Worst Dates).... I just don't get how guys can do this to their wives, no less their pregnant wives. =(
~S.M.
I took a deep breath. "Please don't tell me you have a girlfriend."
He swallowed hard. "I...uh...Oh wow. This is awkward."
Me: "WTF, Chester." (Get used to this; it's how I write dialogue lol)
Chester: "Well...I thought you knew?"
Me: "WHY would you think I knew that? You think I would be sleeping with you if I knew you had a girlfriend?!? And you never said anything about her, so why the F*** would I know you had one? "
Chester: "I don't have a girlfriend."
Me: "You just told me you did."
Chester: "I didn't say that............ I'm.....married."
Me: "WHAT THE F***!?"
Chester: "Please don't be mad... it's complicated.....Um..."
Me: "What, are you going to tell me you're miserable and she's not paying any attention to you?"
Chester: "No... Um, she knows I don't want to be with her. She gave me permission to have sex with other women."
Me: "Bullsh**. You're so full of sh**. Do you think I seriously believe you?"
Chester: "Well, she and I haven't done it in awhile..."
Me: "I don't give a rat's ass. You're like, happily married aren't you? There aren't even any problems, are there? Not like that's an excuse, but it would be something...... Oh God. Do you have kids?"
Chester: "I have three kids..."
Me: "Oh my GOD... How old are they?" (shouting as I fling open the front door.)
Chester: "5 and 7..." (Following me out, dragging his feet)
Me: "Is this even your house? Who's house are we at? I can't believe this crap....... Wait. You said three... how old's the other one? IS IT A BABY?!? Please for the love of God say it isn't a baby..."
Chester: "This is my buddy's place - I'm staying with him right now."
Me: (glaring silently, trying my best not to lunge at him and beat the ever living sh** out of him)
Chester: "It's not a baby.... She's pregnant with the third..."
Me: "How far along is she?" (quieter, nauseated)
Chester: "She's due in 3 weeks."
Needless to say I proceeded to rip him a new one and tell him what a POS he was, and refused to speak to him or see him after that. I felt just awful, and wanted to rip his freaking face off every time I saw him at work. He was sleeping with a different girl within a week.
This story is similar to Mary's (Worst Dates).... I just don't get how guys can do this to their wives, no less their pregnant wives. =(
~S.M.