The Ex-Boyfriends' Island
This post is not about a bad date, but it is about the best date I have ever had, and the karma associated with a bad boyfriend. 

I was dating a co-worker (always a great idea). I thought we were meant to be because when we had our first kiss, I laughed and snot flew out of my nose... after I cleaned up (with the back of my hand... gross, I know but you have to understand, his ass looked great in jeans and I had no other material to wipe it off!), he kissed me anyway. 

From this, you know I am 1. digusting and 2. prone to romantic ideas about soulmates.
We had been dating about a month and had planned a date to the local minor league baseball game. We were let out of work about 5 hours early, so we decided to start our date ahead of time. We began our date at the movie theatre furthest from my job (at the time, I believed it was because it was newer and cleaner). We saw a scary movie, and I am particularly susceptible to suspense... of course he was more than happy to be my knight in shining Wranglers. After spending the better half of the movie making out and groping through our clothes, we decided to go to eat at Olive Garden (isn't that everyone's first or second date?). Afterward, we went to the baseball game. 

Now, as some background information, this ex-boyfriend had a soon-to-be-ex-wife. This stb-ex-wife had a newborn baby; whose father was Chester. She had moved out to live with her mother; as things in their married life were strained after her pregnancy. Are you following this? Getting suspicious yet? You'd be the only one, since I was blinded by puppy love and the smell of Burberry cologne. 

At the baseball game, he told me he loved my eyes, my hair, my chest. He bought me shot after shot of Crown Royal (yes, I'm classy). He said I was the most beautiful girl he dated, and as a backhanded compliment, told me that his ex-wife had better legs and was a kick boxer... what?! 
So you're sitting here thinking - wow, this girl is a complete idiot. This guy already sounds like a dud - and even though I had warning after warning - I still fell for him.

We left during the seventh inning, wanting to get a headstart on the evening to come. I went to the restroom to break the seal, and ended up calling everyone I knew to tell them I loved them and wanted to be closer. What can I say, I'm a needy drunk sometimes. When I left the restroom, it was the bottom of the ninth, and my date was still waiting for me. 

We made out all the way to the car (walking and snogging is no small feat, I tell you). We decided he was going to take his truck, and I was going to take my car, and he'd follow me to my apartment (I do not condone drinking and driving. This was 5 years ago, and I am nowhere near as stupid now as I was then). 

Somewhere along the route home, I lost him. I received frantic text messages asking me to come back and get his guns. Drunk and confused, I called him.

"I've been pulled over for DWI... someone called the cops on me for swerving while driving."
"Oh, okay. I'll see you at my apartment!" I am a selfish drunk, too.
"No, I need you to get my guns or they'll arrest me!"

So I drove all the way back, and saw flashing lights - at least 6 cruisers surrounded his vehicle. And what do you know, at that same time, I got a call from a strange number. The conversation began like this:
"You slut! Why have you been texting and calling my husband?!"
"Um...Who's your husband?"

Needless to say, I drove off, left him and his guns to face Johnny Law. Found out the next day that he'd lied to me all along and had a different reason other than herding cattle why he didn't answer his phone after sundown. 

He went to jail for two weeks and almost lost his job.

Karma, ladies. If you don't get them back, someone (including law enforcement) will.


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